I know most of you have seen the classic film Friday, and wondered, “What are hog maws, Mr. Jones?” Yes, hog maws are the stomach’s of pigs. And if you think that might be tasty take a look at the picture I dug up for you of hog maws. Want some?
Every time I come in the kitchen, you in the kitchen. In the goddamn...– - Mr. Jones (John Witherspoon), Friday
I command you to go to hell and sit on a red hot coal, and wait for me, until it...– - Bill Cosby, Ghost Dad
Oh, glorious MRI magnet, thank you for breaking today, I always need a little...– - Hamish, Thanking Inanimate Objects
Ok, yeah, I smoke cigarettes. I smoke fifty packs a day. I like it, I enjoy it. It gives me something to do. It keeps me calm when I’m feeling stressed, it gives me a break in the monotony of the day. I’m a smoker, I know it, but people around me seem to think I’m afflicted. As if, because I smoke I want people to help me stop smoking. I’m a smoker, HELP ME, I...
I can remember a time in this country when men were proud to get cancer, God...– - Denis Leary, No Cure for Cancer
Baseball, Baseball, Catch the Fever Now or Pat...
Well it’s in the 6 AM hour here on Tuesday, and I have the luxury of watching the first baseball game of the season due to me being up so early. Red Sox are already down 2 and Dice-K seems to be sucking even though he’s playing in Japan. Sucks to be Dice-K, doesn’t it? It’s like if the movie Mr. Baseball was real and Tom Selleck’s team came to play in the USA and...
So remember, when you’re feeling very small and insecure, how amazingly...– - Eric Idle, The Galaxy Song
To Sleep, Perchance to Dream
I have been going to bed very early recently due to me working early and waking up at 6 AM everyday for the second week in a row. My body is still not used to this going to bed before midnight deal so I have a lot of time I spend laying in my bed to let my thoughts fly. It’s been bad. My mind is so clouded with thoughts it’s hard to go to sleep. It’s flying from one end of...
I waste too much time thinking and not enough time doing.– - Hamish, Words to Live By
Jesus Died for the NCAA Tourney
Well, no not really. But, I really liked how that title sounded, so I went with it. Yes, it’s Good Friday, the day when Jesus died, and I wonder why I sit here on my lunch break at work, that I’m here today. I mean the Lord and Savior of my religion died today, and I have to sit here and MRI people all day? That makes no sense. Other people have off, but health care workers have...
I recently had an article about Skip-It’s and how I loved it when I was little. This must have been a downright lie by me. Because, a friend recently bought a Skip-It (off eBay, due to my blog) and I gave it a whirl. I couldn’t get the damned thing started by myself, no matter which direction I kicked my leg. I looked like a damn fool trying to get it to spin. Then I was finally...
So if you are the Christ yes the great Jesus Christ, feed my household with this...– - King Herod, Jesus Christ Superstar, trying to get Jesus to prove who he is through song and dance with a bunch of strangely clad hippies
It’s beyond me. Help me, Mommy! I’ll be good, you’ll see. ...– - Brad Majors, Rose Tint My World, Rocky Horror Picture Show
Fear Ambien Users
Fear them, for they can kill you and have no remorse. In case you don’t know, Ambien is a sleeping medication for people who have trouble sleeping. Now, that’s fine with me, take it if you can’t sleep. But, it’s what happens after they take it which I fear. I saw a commercial last night for it, and you know how all the prescription medication commercials has that list...
Choke me, spank me, pull my hair …– Xzibit, Choke Me, Spank Me (Pull My Hair), also a strange song that keeps coming up randomly on my iPod, sometimes I think my iPod knows me too well
5 Dude, All-Gay Band
When you hear the Village People, most people automatically think of homosexuality running rampant in the streets. Well, I was sitting downstairs with nothing to watch on TV, and Can’t Stop the Music was on TV. Wow, if you ever get a chance to watch this movie, do it. It is something else. Steve Guttenburg and Bruce Jenner were walking down the street with the Village People and the went...
Vitality, they need, they also want something good and sweet. Just get a glass...– - The Village People, Milkshake
George W. Bush Will Be Missed
I know what you’re thinking, are you crazy Hamish? No, I’m not, but I was thinking about it yesterday and we’ve really all taken him for granted. It’s our last year of him running our country and I’m gonna miss him. He’s been so much fun and he’s real entertaining to watch. He’s so goofy. His stumbles and stutters through his speeches, with his...
I looked at my asshole in the mirror today, it fuckin’ blew my mind– - Adam Sandler, The Buffoon
I put mayonaise on gravy.– - Announcer during the UNC/Fla St. game at the ACC Tournament
And the Very Best Part of All, There's a Counter...
Hey, I don’t know if you remember the late 80’s or not, but there was this amazing item that the toy company’s came out with that I absolutely loved. It was called Skip-It and was basically a shackle with a ball at the end of it. Kind of like something they made prisoners wear in the 1910’s. Which is probably who came up with the idea. Some prisoner sitting there...
I Just Needed a Job
I tried once to get a job at Brach’s candy, they had an office somewhere near Syracuse. I called up their HR department, and told them how I was interested in working for them. I talked to this lady for 5 minutes about what the job was, and she eventually asked what is my qualifications. I told her that I’ve eaten candy for most of my life, and was partial to Brach’s. ...
A little Real Genius for ya . . .
Chris: So, if there's anything I can do for you, or, more to the point, to you, you just let me know.
Susan: Can you hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis?
Chris: Not right now.
Susan: A girl's gotta have her standards.
Break a Jimmy Buffet CD for Me
Have you ever had somebody ask you if you could go back in time to kill Hitler would you do it? If somebody asked me that, I’d be like, “I’ll kill the fucker, but only if you will let me go back to kill baby Jimmy Buffet on the day he was born.” BAM! Hopefully they’d agree and I could kill 2 birds with 2 stones. Learn it now folks, I fuckin’ hate Jimmy Buffet...
Jimmy Buffet’s music is like buying Water Works in Monopoly, there’s...– - Hamish, Words to Live By
Don Knotts in My Life
I sit here and wonder what it would be like to have Don Knotts as my best friend. And I can do nothing but giggle. It would be glorious to see his eyes bug out of his head and his goofy ass voice. And then I would take advantage of him and screw him some place uncomfortable.
Squeeze her once when she isn’t lookin’, get a squeeze back and...– Marcellus, singing the Shipoopi from The Music Man, also trying to show how public squeezing of girls should not be sexual harrassment
I keep having dreams that I slip and fall into someone’s pee on a public...– - Hamish, worried about the meanings of his dreams
Why are Taxi Cab Drivers So Popular?
I swear, the last 3 times I’ve gotten a cab by myself the taxi cab driver was on his cell phone the entire time. Not only that, but he’s speaking loudly in a foreign language I’ve never heard before Now, I consider myself a decently popular fellow, but I don’t seem to talk a fraction of the time as much as some random taxi cab driver. And when I do talk on the cell...
Let’s see how Paul Pierce plays if Ray Allen and Kevin Garnett are dead, I...– - Hamish, correcting himself mid-sentence but still defending his claim that Paul Pierce is a hack
Why I'll Never Watch Braveheart
I don’t know how many times people feel the need to tell me, “But, it’s a really good movie, how can you not see it?” Fuck that. I’ve seen a shitload of movies, probably more than most of you will ever see. Don’t doubt me, it’s fuckin’ true. There is no idea of watching a movie I hate more than the idea of watching Braveheart. I’d rather...
Braveheart is a pile of boiling shit shoveled on to a frozen river of pee.– Hamish, using descriptive imagery to get his feelings across
I Miss Roy Rogers
Ok, I do love KFC and all that they provide for the world in chicken items. But, growing up I was always so found of Roy Rogers. Perhaps because I could have chicken, burgers, roast beef, or curly fries. I had that option. But, Roy Rogers isn’t really around anymore. Seems like there’s only like a couple dozen left. The only time I ever see one is driving on the Pennsylvania...
Never give up hope, instead give up fried chicken.– - Hamish, Words to Live By
You will not be able to stay home, brother. You will not be able to plug in,...– - Gil Scott-Heron, American poet, letting us know back in 1970 that when the revolution does come, we won’t know, because it won’t be televised
Why Doesn't Soda Popinski Still Fight?
I was recently playing Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out and I was having the damnedest time with Soda Popinski. There’s this one punch he hits you with that he gives you no forewarning sign that it’s about to happen. You just have to anticipate he’s going to throw it. And being intoxicated I couldn’t anticipate it. But, that didn’t make sense to me. I mean Soda...
I can’t drive, so I’m gonna walk all over you!– - Soda Popinksi to Little Mac between rounds.
The Outdoorsmen: Let Me Compete
I saw this little documentary on IFC the other day called The Outdoorsmen: Blood, Sweat & Beers. It’s about this group of guys who go off into the woods and they compete in various events/high speed drinking games that are combined into one. I like beer. No, I love beer. It is my friend, my sweetness, my shoulder to cry on. And this movie has made me want to either find these...
I just ate part of my fork.– - Hamish, to himself, while enjoying his Southwestern Caesar Salad a little too much, took a look at his fork and saw it became a threek
Free Time Gone to Waste?
A lot of people want to know what I do with my free time. Since I currently work part time, I have some days off where no one is home at my house. I’m sure most people think I sit around watching movies, playing video games, or I’m on the computer. Well, I hate to burst everyone’s bubble, but I am usually very productive during my time off. Constantly working on various...