Blow me, blow me, blow me.– - Hamish
I'm a Whore
Sorry about not writing a blog yesterday when I promised one at my lunch hour. But, you see people when you usually go to lunch by yourself and eat by yourself due to the odd hours you generally go to lunch, you have plenty of time to hit up the computer lab and take your time and write something odd and inspiring. But, when two beautiful women come into MRI and ask if you want to go out to...
Oh, Boy! Oberto!– Hamish, calling out after his favorite new San Antonio Spur, Fabricio Oberto
Stay Tuned . . .
A blog will be up, post Marc’s lunch-hour, which may be 12:30, or it may be 1:30, sometimes 2:00. You never know which way the MRI swings … “We’ll be right back.”
You go over there and fuck ‘em. We’ll stay here and masturbate. Go,...– - Drill Sergeant, Mark McKinney, Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy
I know I live in Philadelphia. Ok, I know this. But, I keep having dreams where I’m forced out of my home by wildlife fires and are forced to run/drive for my life. As if the wildlife fire is right on my tail and it’s gonna catch me. It’s a constant state of moving in order to escape the wildlife fire, which really isn’t a wildlife fire now that I think of it. ...
When life gives you lemons, just say ‘Fuck the lemons,’ and bail.– Kunu (Paul Rudd), Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Great freakin’ flick.
The Whole World's Laughing at You
It’s true, they’re all laughing. And it’s not a funny joke they were just told, or someone walking into a wall. They’re laughing at you, and it’s because you look so fuckin’ weird, you fuckin’ weird mother’ucka.
I’ll blog your mom.– - Hamish, Random Things to Write When You’re Hurting from a Late Night Weekday Wu-Tang Show
Tonight is Your Night Bro
Yep, tonight is the night I’m going with 4 dudes to go see Wu-Tang Clan at the House of Blues in Atlantic City. This is real exciting shit, I gotta admit. Even though it’s my 3rd time seeing Wu-Tang, this’ll be the smallest venue I’ll have seen ‘em in and should prove to make it a fuckin’ awesome show. This isn’t a blog it’s just pure excitement...
Raw I’m a give it to ya, with no trivia. Raw like cocaine straight from...– - U-God, Da Mystery of Chessboxin’, Wu-Tang Clan
The Return of #5's
Last night was a great night to be a Philadelphian. First of all, there were people all over the streets trying to get you to vote for John “Raped the Homeless Man” Doughtery, and to vote in the primaries. But, on TV the Philadelphia teams and their star #5’s came out with a vengeance. Braydon Coburn. Well the Flyers made for one of the most exciting hockey games I’ve...
Good dump, good dump.– - Skip!, Weird Things to Cheer for During a Hockey Game
The Smell of School
I took a step outside this morning to get a “breath of fresh air”, and I had an overwhelming horrible feeling inside. The weather felt like a brisk, slightly cold September morning. It felt like that always horrible first day of school weather. And the feeling of that first day of school came in to me. It’s the kind of feeling that you only get on that day. The summer has...
You’re so beautiful, you could be a part time model.– - Flight of the Conchords, The Most Beautiful Girl in the Room. The Conchords full album came out today, I recommend to all a fast download of it, fantastic.
The Mets all fuck their mothers, and sometimes their dads. (repeat)– - Hamish, How to Cheer and Really Piss Off 40 Year Old Mets Fans in Front of You
Richard Roeper is a Hack
I keep seeing the preview for Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and the quote they keep throwing up is “One of the funniest damn movies I’ve ever seen.” And Richard Roeper said that shit. Now, hold on, what the fuck is Roeper doing? Does he think that because he used the word ‘damn’ and people will see his name with this movie that he automatically is a cool/hip film...
When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then...– - Creed, The Office (4/17/08). I’m still trying to figure out what Creed needs 3 chairs for, but I still snorted when I heard him say this.
John's Roast Pork
A few months ago, Maxim magazine had an article about the best cheese steak in Philly. It gave very low marks to Pats/Genos, which is semi-deserving. But, I do love me a Pats cheese steak. And it gave mention to Cosmi’s which is large and in charge and also fantastic. But, the highest rating it gave was to John’s Roast Pork. A place I’ve drove past many times, but never...
I’d pull down the moon and stars for you if I had a fuckin’ rope...– - Hamish, How to End Quotes with a Zing
Thank You #5's
I keep true to my statement that if you’re #5 and play a professional Philadelphia sport than you’re the best player on the team. And last night proved my point, oh so well. Pat Burrell hitting a bottom of the 9th 2-run home run to tie up the game? He is a golden god and I will never stop worshipping at his altar. Notice as Feliz stares at Burrell’s number, this would give...
Little TV sets, going off inside my ear. Spacemen floating by, firecracker...– - Tracy Morgan, Woodrow sings to Britney Spears in his sewer home, SNL 5/13/00
Fear of the Unknown
What the fuck is that behind you? Don’t look. That’s the unknown. SCARED? Good. I want everyone not to be scared of the unknown, for the unknown is just that, unknown. Get to accept the fact that there are things that are unknown, but once you witness it, it’ll become familiar to you. Then pop on your headphones and play some Neil Diamond’s America. Soothing beat,...
Molotov cocktail, the local drink, and all she wants to do is dance. Mix...– - Don Henley, All She Wants to Do Is Dance. Why wasn’t anyone worried that Don Henley was going to blow us all up in the 80’s? I was, my Dad told me to fear him.
We definitely need this 32 inch inflatable cactus.– - Hamish, Party Planning Dos and Don’ts
I want you to close your eyes for a second and put on your imagination burners. Wait, I guess then you can’t read this. Ok, go back and forth between imagination burners and reading this. The movie fades in and we see an empty suburban street in Autumn. Leaves are blowing around the ground and it looks a bit chilly. We focus in on one house, a little older looking than the rest of the...
I am so high I can see heaven.– Hero, Chad Kroeger & Josey Scott, I have a strong psychic feeling that this mix of Nickleback & Saliva will have an amazing camp value resale in another 5-10 years. Kind of how we can all laugh and sing Journey & Phil Collins now.
The Past Has Happened, No, Seriously
I want you all to listen and listen well, the past has happened. Yes, I know sometimes that’s a hard idea to grasp and wrap your cheeks around, but the past has happened. It’s true and as I type a little more and a little more, the past continues to happen. It’s kind of funny when you think about it. I mean I feel like I’m making the past happen. BAM! Yep, that was in...
He said God is listening and if I found Jesus, I’d get to walk beside him...– - Lt. Dan Taylor, Forrest Gump
The first time I ever spent a half an hour at a bar talking about probability,...– Hamish, How Not to Pick Up Chicks
Acme is Balls
It seems like every time I go to Acme it’s this big ordeal. The South Philly Acme has become the easiest store I can go to and generally I save a ton with my Acme Super Saver! But, something always happens that I feel the need to write about. First of all I’d like to ask, how come no matter what shopping cart I pick it’s always the one with the fucked up wheel or the one that...
Do I Really Stick Things Up People's Assholes?
I don’t generally talk about work, but I am a MRI tech. It basically consists of me talking to patients, positioning them, putting them in the machine, scanning them, and injecting them with a sticky clear liquid. There are a lot of other things that I also do, but mostly it goes something like that. MRI’s are wonderful and the being around the giant magnet for so long has made me...
I would have gotten out of work earlier, but I had to be there while we stuck a...– - Hamish, Life of a MRI Tech
Soylent Green's New Flavor Is Out
I remember the early 90’s, when I started fleshing out and getting into older movies and music. I was inspired by a Phil Hartman sketch on SNL of him running around like Charlton Heston and screaming, “Soylent Green is people! PEOPLE!” I was intrigued so I rented Soylent Green, sure enough it is Charlton Heston running around and screaming, “Soylent Green is...
Bagism Making a Comeback
I would in no light call my self a morally sound person, but I try to be. There’s just too much going on in this world to stay on that upper plateau and never once look down. I tend to take peaks down often, just to get a look at what it’s like from down there. Anyway, while I’m preaching to my computer I’d like to tell you all that I’m going to follow the...
I love the radio, it’s so … random.– - Christopher Walken, SNL (4/5/08)
Playing with Death
So, as legend has it (or as Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey would have us believe) when we die we can challenge Death to a game of our choosing. If we lose we go onto the afterlife, if we win Death will become our bitch and take us anywhere we want to go, heaven, hell, Earth, ANYTHING! Well, this has got me into a lot of thinking about what I will choose when I die. My first thought was to...
Until I remember what I was going to write here these dingos will be watching you:
There will be children with robins and flowers; sunshine caresses each new...– - The Rascals, A Beautiful Morning
New Baseball Rule?
You know how I had fun anyway last night. Well, I was watching the Nationals pitcher warm-up on the mound. And I thought this is bull-shit, dude has been warming up in the dug-out for awhile. He should have to come out and just start pitching. Fuck the warm-up on the mound. I think it should be a new baseball rule. Than a friend who shall remain nameless came up with the idea that for a...
I want your sexy body.– - Hamish, Phrases to Never Say to a Blood Relative
Retraction: Hatfield Dollar Dog Night
Got up to the gates at 4:45, sorry son, game’s sold out. Oh, well, that blows testicles. So, I drank in the parking lot and watched the game over a friend’s house. Guess what? The game blew nuts, Philies had one hit. And I ate two hot dogs anyway and still had fun, but the numbers, well, the numbers won this one tonight …
Hatfield Dollar Dogs Night
Well, it’s on tonight. I’m going to the opening NIGHT game of the Phillies and I’m excited as a choir girl getting banged by Pavarotti. And guess what it’s Dollar Motherfuckin’ Dog night. Hot dogs for $1. How can you go wrong? I was challenged once to a dog off, i think I got 10 or 11 down and won the contest. Unfortantely it led to be vomitting over 8 times. ...
Hey! You get a special clearance.– - The Electronic Voice from Mall Madness. The fact that this asshole controls your life and makes items go on sale every couple of minutes, scares me and makes my body weak. How can this mall afford to stay open with this asschuggler running things?
Tom Gordon is a Shithead
That’s right Tom Gordon you point up in the air. But, you’re not pointing up to God, because God would never do the things you do. You are a giant asshole, full of shit. Congrats after pitching 0.1 of an inning you have a 135.00 ERA, that’s pretty good. You want real high ERAs right? You cocksucker. Flash Gordon? FLASH? Does that mean in a flash you can pump up the other...
I threw 6 touchdowns. I was cockin’ fire. Then the first play of OT,...– - Skip Hettel, How to Cock Fire