May 2008
35 posts
Dude.
I love the word Dude. Yep. And I love the Bud Light dude commercials. How could ya not? Perhaps the best beer advertisement out there right now. Anyway in case you’re bored this Friday afternoon and you want something to do, you should go to dudemadness.com website. Just in case you never caught that web address after the commercial. There you can listen to that great piano solo from...
“Dude.”
– - Dude Guy from Bud Light Commercials
“No, I mean the way he saved her. I mean, I… I could never do anything like...”
– - Johnny (Patrick Swayze) in Dirty Dancing. Yeah, I get bored some mornings, so I tend to watch some Dirty Dancing. I mean, Jesus! Is that really a fuckin’ problem? GET OFF MY BACK!
Somebody Needs to Stop The Bill Engvall Show
Seriously, somebody needs to stop this show right now. Yeah, I know that I’ve never seen, nor will I ever see it. But, this is horrible. Pure shit. Probably the Jeff Foxworthy Show Part 2. For those who don’t know, Bill Engvall was on the Blue Collar Comedy tour with the likes of Larry the Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy. And he has this show on TBS that obviously sucks ass like...
“Bill Engvall and his show sucks the life out of my asshole.”
– Hamish, How to Hate TV Shows You’ve Never Seen
Jose Canseco vs. Via Sikahema
Wow. All, I can say is wow! Apparently Jose Canseco had a $5000 challenge for anyone who will fight him in a boxing match. And it was accepted. By Via Sikahema. VS. I can’t wait, I can’t fuckin’ wait. This is perhaps the greatest match-up ever conceived in the celebrity boxing ring, even better than Manute Bol vs. The Fridge. Jose Canseco one of my favorite...
“I like Ike.”
– - Indiana Jones when asked for his last words, at the beginning of the new flic
“Looks like Chuck’s taking the skin boat to tuna town.”
– - Burgess Meredith, Grumpy Old Men
Ragtime Muzak
So, I got out of work late last night. Try 2 hours late. As I was walking home listening to my iPod at 11 PM, there wasn’t a lot of people on the street. And my random shuffle came onto some Scott Joplin ragtime music. Let me tell you something, if there’s no one around you and you’re walking to a ragtime soundtrack it feels like you’re in a silent movie. Now, I hope...
“Laurence Olivier would have been 101 today, if he wasn’t dead.”
– - Hamish, Easy Jokes for Simple Folks
“Life is like a mop. Sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and hairballs and...”
– - Stanley Spadowski (Michael Richards), UHF, reminding us all how you gotta clean shit up when life get’s dirty.
Phillies Radio Announcers Last Night
Larry Andersen: Did you bring chicken into the booth?
Chris Wheeler: No. Why?
Andersen: I smell chicken.
Wheeler: I smell popcorn.
Andersen: Well, maybe it's chicken popcorn.
Wheeler: It could be Franzke.
Andersen: He smells like rotten chicken . . . but not popcorn.
ATMs are Bullshit
Look, I’m a pretty smart guy, and my memory is pretty good. Which is why I can remember small and unusable facts from movies and music and people usually ask me questions when it comes to that. But, Saturday night, I hit a new low. The day before I had a conversation about how I have forgotten my PIN number before, and I eventually figured it out. So, when I got to the ATM Saturday...
“I can’t remember my PIN number.”
– - Hamish, All-Time Dumbest Brain Farts
“In terms of pure action and movement, the NFL is a molasses farm compared to the...”
– Hunter S. Thompson, Rolling Stone #128, February 15, 1973
“He’s a mental midget, if you crack open Brett Myers head a thousand...”
– - Jeff Murphy quoting BJ Hale quoting the Big Bear on his opinion of Brett Myers, also basically how I feel about Myers due to last night’s performance
“Rodney King would be proud of that one.”
– - TNT’s basketball announcer after Gregg Popovich and the ref had their own “can’t we all just get along” moment.
“Like the kling klang king of the rim ram room.”
– - Ben Sanderson (Nic Cage) after being asked how he feels in Leaving Las Vegas. I know of this joy of being the kling klang king.
Driving to South America
I wondered last night if it was possible to take a trip from like California or Texas and just drive right through Central American into South America. I know it’s actually possible, but I didn’t know if the different countries would just let you drive from country to country in an American car without issues. I found a website that claims they did it in ‘95 and went all the...
“I slept on a couch for 3 out of the 3 nights of the weekend.”
– - Hamish, Sad Statistics Not to Be Proud Of, Yet Somehow Semi-Rad
“And if life is just a highway, then the soul is just a car, and objects in the...”
– - Meat Loaf, Objects in the Rear View Mirror May Appear Closer Than They Are. If you’ve never heard this song, you’re missing out, it comes in at about 10 minutes, and it’s very long and serious. It’s about children dying, child abuse, and wild sex with women who treat...
Retraction: Sorry Bruntballs
Sorry for ragging on you in my last blog Bruntballs. I just saw you hit a double to score Shane-o in the top of the 8th to tie up the game. I still love you Bruntballs, too bad Jimmy’s a game or two away from coming back according to “the news.”
“Price takes it hard like a man, deep inside.”
– - TNT announcer last night during Lakers/Jazz game, as Ronnie Price took it hard from Jordan Farmar in the 2nd quarter
Shitty Players or Bring Back the Nasty
For some reason the sports teams I love in Philly, I always am partial to their shitty players. This goes especially for the Phillies, as I’ve been the biggest Pat Burrell fan for the last few years. And he had been stinkin’ it up. But, of course, through my constant support of him, he’s turned his game around and is playing like the all-star that he is. It’s all due to...
“I need to stop believing in Eric Bruntballs.”
– Hamish, How to Stop Liking Your Team’s Shitty Players
Rambo Keepin' It Real
Rambo: Where are you going?
Burnett: Into Burma.
Rambo: Burma's a warzone.
Burnett: Well, that's what people call it, but it's more like genocide than war. Anyway, this will be my fifth trip in, so we are aware of the risks.
Rambo: I don't go that far north.
Burnett: Let me explain our situation - our church is part of a Pan-Asian ministry, located in Colorado. We are all volunteers, who around this time of year bring in medical supplies, medical attention, prayer books, and support to the Karen tribes people. People say you know the river better than anyone.
Rambo: They ain't lying.
Burnett: So what I'm asking is that we compensate you for a few hours of your time that will help change people's lives.
Rambo: Are you bringing any weapons?
Burnett: Of course not.
Rambo: You're not changing anything.
Burnett: Well, it's thinking like that that keeps the world the way it is.
Rambo: Fuck the world.
Poor Burma, I Mean Myanmar
I was reading the news today about the cyclone that cut through Myanmar and has killed 15,000 people and I just felt awful. I mean this poor country doesn’t deserve this at all. They have been struggling and suffering for years under military rule since 1962. So, what do they get for this? A fuckin’ twister comes in and kills 15,000 of them? I’ve felt really bad for Burma...
“And Jamie Moyer is halfway to the cycle.”
– - Tom McCarthy immidiately after Moyer hit his double. Getting a little ahead of yourself Tommy?
“I mean do you think the people of Qdoba can stop us from sitting here and...”
– - Hamish, How to Get Thrown Out of Mexican Eateries
“Well, then I better buy 6 pounds of potato salad.”
– - Hamish, Bad Bulk Moves at BJ’s Wholesale Club
McDonald's Menu Song
I remember this song like it was yesterday. It was 1988 and the Philadelphia Inquirer came with a special present on it’s weekend edition. It was a flimsy record that you could throw on the turntable from McDonald’s. In it a guy would try to teach a bunch of people the words to the McDonald’s song, which was a song that sung out all the items on their menu. If the group he...
“Snuffleupagus fucks my shit up!”
– - Dwayne the Bartender, Davon McDonald, Forgetting Sarah Marshall 