Hamish McMonkey Pants

I love the word Dude. Yep. And I love the Bud Light dude commercials. How could ya not? Perhaps the best beer advertisement out there right now. Anyway in case you’re bored this Friday afternoon and you want something to do, you should go to dudemadness.com website. Just in case you never caught that web address after the commercial. There you can listen to that great piano solo from the commercial, send your friends text messages that have different “dudes” to different phrases, watch the commericials, and find out what kind of dude you are. Enjoy.

“I like it when you sit close to me, dude.” 

Seriously, somebody needs to stop this show right now. Yeah, I know that I’ve never seen, nor will I ever see it. But, this is horrible. Pure shit. Probably the Jeff Foxworthy Show Part 2. For those who don’t know, Bill Engvall was on the Blue Collar Comedy tour with the likes of Larry the Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy.

And he has this show on TBS that obviously sucks ass like all of cable TV shows like House of Payne or anything on TBS/TNT/USA. The problem that’s really been getting to me is the unbelievable shitload of advertising that has been taking over every form of advertising that is humanly possible. First I was at the movies on Monday, and during one of those terribly long “First Look” things before the movie there was about a 6 minute stint of WATCH THE BILL ENGVALL SHOW, IT’S SO FUNNY, LOOK AT HIS REDNECK WAYS AND GIANT STATURE, AMAZING! Fuck that. I’ll watch what I want. Then on the ride home from the movies, BAM, a huge billboard with Bill Engvall telling me to watch his shit show. Then all-over the NBA playoffs on TNT, little graphics popping out of the bottom of the screen and Marv Albert telling me, WATCH BILL ENGVALL, HE’LL ROCK YOUR FUCKIN’ WORLD MAN, ROCK YOUR FUCKIN’ WORLD! Holy shitballs! Don’t you get it TBS, nobody wants to watch your shit shows. It’s not ‘very funny’, it’s very shitty, very shitty, and the fact that you destroy my brain with your advertising is putting me in an angry, angry mood.

You want people to watch your ‘very funny’ shit, TBS? I’ll help you out, Nancy Travis will still work. She’s old, but still fun like back in the days of So, I Married an Axe Murderer and The Vanishing. But, this cast of ugly children that you’ve got sticking out from behind you. Horribly boring and cliche. So, as a favor to help make compelling TV, I’m going to recast your supporting cast to make people watch your show.

Instead of the young teenage girl, we’re gonna replace her with Linda Tripp, famous telephone recorder of the Monica Lewinsky sex scandal. People will think, Linda Tripp? What the fuck? Why is Linda Tripp Bill Engvall’s daughter? Does she even act? I hate Linda Tripp she was such an asshole, why is she on this show? I want to watch!

Then instead of the very boring little kid that probably says all the catch phrases we’re going to replace him with former Washington Bullet and My Giant star, Gheorghe Muresan. He will be their little kid that for some reason is 7 feet, 7 inches tall. Not only will that make no sense, his catch phrase will be, “I thinks I ate too many beans.” Then the rest of the episode will consist of him running around trying to get to the bathroom before the rest of the family, ripping giant-like farts constantly. Of course Linda Tripp, will also get some fart gags.

And finally instead of the middle kid with the amazing surfer hair we will put in the guy who played Socrates in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure. Of course, he will still be playing Socrates and he still won’t speak any English. Except in this show he’ll wear cool Aeropostale clothing all the time. He also will do very well in school, but he has problems with the ladies, which will lead to many, many funny scenes of Bill Engvall trying to explain to his son Socrates how he can pick up chicks. It’s fuckin’ hilarious.

Can you really sit there and tell me that you wouldn’t watch my new The Bill Engvall Show? Yeah, TBS, now it’s “very funny.” So, funny I actually shit my pants making that picture. Thankfully I own lots and lots of boxer briefs.

Wow. All, I can say is wow! Apparently Jose Canseco had a $5000 challenge for anyone who will fight him in a boxing match. And it was accepted. By Via Sikahema.

VS.

I can’t wait, I can’t fuckin’ wait. This is perhaps the greatest match-up ever conceived in the celebrity boxing ring, even better than Manute Bol vs. The Fridge. Jose Canseco one of my favorite players growing up and now a total freak versus Vai Sikahema the greatest returner I’ve ever seen on the Eagles. I totally think Vai is going to win in the 3rd round with a knock-out punch to Canseco’s soft head. I mean just think of when Jose Canseco let a ball pop off his head and score a home run, wasn’t that the greatest thing ever. Now, it will be Vai’s fast hands slamming his head over and over again. July 12th in Atlantic City, baby. Who’s coming with me?

“What a relief that must be for the millions of you who sit around all day and wistfully think, ‘Man, when is Jose Canseco going to fight Vai Sikahema?!’”

Read the article.

So, I got out of work late last night. Try 2 hours late. As I was walking home listening to my iPod at 11 PM, there wasn’t a lot of people on the street. And my random shuffle came onto some Scott Joplin ragtime music. Let me tell you something, if there’s no one around you and you’re walking to a ragtime soundtrack it feels like you’re in a silent movie. Now, I hope no one was watching me, because I started walking to the beat with a big goofy grin on my face. Make hand motions and body movements as if I were in one of those silent movies, and the music played to my actions perfectly, as did the center city traffic. Really, if you’re someone who finds themself walking around with an iPod on in the city, download yourself some Joplin, you won’t regret it.

Look, I’m a pretty smart guy, and my memory is pretty good. Which is why I can remember small and unusable facts from movies and music and people usually ask me questions when it comes to that. But, Saturday night, I hit a new low. The day before I had a conversation about how I have forgotten my PIN number before, and I eventually figured it out. So, when I got to the ATM Saturday night, I had psyched myself out and I tried 3 times and failed. No money for me. I spent 15 minutes on the phone with Wachovia until they finally picked up and let me reset my pin for 3 new tries. OK. Went up to the ATM, BAM, BAM, BAM denied again.

Now, my PIN number has no signifigance, it was just one that they had given to me. So, it was just something I had always remembered for the past 4-5 years. And all of sudden I had no idea it was, I knew there was a 2, 4, 0, and possibly an 8 in there. But, the combination was beyond me. Went outside got them to reset my pin again. Went back up, it was useless, I was not gonna figure out, denied again. I had $5 in my wallet and up shit’s creek with no money for Oust. I put the whole bill on my credit card and collected everyone else’s money to survive me through the weekend. This morning I went to the Wachovia at 23rd and Snyder, deep in South Philly. I went up to the service guy and told him my story how I just couldn’t remember my PIN number anymore. He laughed, I laughed with him and then he said it happens and I could change it to something I remembered. He had to put a code into a little machine to activate it. He stopped. “You’re never gonna believe this, I just had to change my password for this thing, and now I can’t remember it.”

HA! What great fun forgetting is! He eventually figured it though and I got my PIN changed. And I plan on telling everyone what it is, because I don’t care if anyone knows, just as long as we all know it together as one big happy family.

I wondered last night if it was possible to take a trip from like California or Texas and just drive right through Central American into South America. I know it’s actually possible, but I didn’t know if the different countries would just let you drive from country to country in an American car without issues. I found a website that claims they did it in ‘95 and went all the way to Chile and back in a 4 month trip. Whoa, am I wrong, or is that just fuckin’ awesome? I’ve always wanted to go on the ultimate road trip and that sounds pretty much amazing. Apparently there is an issue with crossing the Darien gap in Panama.

I will get back to that.

After more research there is a Pan-American Highway that takes you from the top of Alaska all the way to the bottom of South America. That is amazing, I guess the greatest road trip would be taking the Pan-American Highway from Alaska all the way down is the greatest American road trip. But, that is a huge expedition. HUGE!

Anyway there is a part of the Pan-American Highway that has no roads, the Darien gap in Panama. Apparently it sounds like there is a huge environmental concern about not constructing a road to link North & South America, so as of right now there is no construction on a road there. That previous website said you would have to find a ferry to take your car across the gap. Wild.

Before I thought of driving to South America yesterday my ultimate road trip was taking the Lincoln Highway across America.

Which actually sounds a lot safer than the South American trip. The Lincoln Highway takes you from New York City to San Francisco on one road. How fuckin’ awesome is that. It actually goes through Philly & NJ, Route 30 it’s called out here. I’ve been through it in Western Pennsylvannia too, it’s a very small 2 lane road out there. It would be one of the greatest road trips ever, and just about 3400 miles. And we would have to do this soon, since gas prices are going higher and higher and soon it will be impossible to make this trip. I’m thinking a RV, and a complete video documentary.  WHO’S WITH ME?